From the University of Ulster

FAO Terry and Beryl, the cupboard under the stairs, Western House…

Good morning Togmeister!
It’s grand being able to write to you again. I have been lying down in that darkened room for too long. Long enough I daresay to rival one of your infamous holidays…

But that’s besides the point. Suffice is it to say that this email is coming to you from Northern Ireland’s very own Ferny Corner - that’s Coleraine to your other listener. I don’t know how or why, but I’m here at the University of Ulster attempting to convert a bunch of like-minded students in to TOGs. Progress has been slow, but I’m pleased to report that sales of beige cardies are booming. Now all I have to do is introduce the next phase… socks and sandals in December!

All the best, as ever,
Nat West

He’s Off Again

Dear Johnnie
I trust you’re well rested after your weekend off… that Irish fellah you hired as your replacement was really beginning to get on my nerves, you know!
Good to have you back
Nat West

Barralands Binge Bender

Dear Sir Terry,
It is my unpleasant duty to report that a member of your staff known as Barrel Hands, due no doubt to the consumption of alcohol in copius amounts, has behaved so outlandishly at a recent Guatamalian conference that I suggest we rename him Tipsy McStagger in an effort staunch the flow of negative publicity that this conduct has surely attracted.
Sincerely
Casey Lost (aka Nat West)

Barrowlands’ Birthday!

Dear Beryl-Anne (and TOGmeister, of course)

Yesterday Barrowlands had his birthday
I hope you got him plastered
I’ll bet half of Glasgow was up all last night
That roudy Scots producer!

Yesterday Barrowlands had his birthday
Dressed up in his best bib and tucker
He had a good laugh downing many a pint
The noisy irksome Producer!

Hope you had a goodun Alan!
Cheers,
Nat

Eurovision

Terry
I trust you’re well rested after Russia’s landslide victory on Saturday. Call me a cynic if you will, but this doesn’t have anything to do with the supply of gas and oil to neighbouring countries does it? We may have come bottom of the leaderboard again, but at least we got to see Mick Sturbs prancing about in his pirates uniform. I never knew he had Latvian roots! I suspect Boggy was jealous at not being let in on the act!
Nat

I come back just as you go away…

Featured on WUTW 

Terry
Was it something I said? Just as I come back it seems you are leaving us again. Before you go I thought I would let you know that I just ordered my Janet and John Volume 3 CD entitled “The Final Countdown” - I have informed the community nurse that she will need to be on stand by in the event that I suffer any adverse effects while listening. I am told I will be seen by a different nurse because the other resigned after what happened last time. She had absolutely no sense of humour…

You’re Invited to the BOFTA’s

Dear Sir Terrence,
We’re pleased to inform you that you’ve been invited to the BOFTA’s in Los Vegos! We will, of course be happy to provide you with a personal RAF helicopter, though I’m afraid we have had to compensate for this extravogance . You will now be sitting next to a man calling himself Ole’ Rednose in row W, and all food will be provided by Chef’s from the Great British Menu.
We look forward to seeing you there!

Sizzling Lynn

She sizzled across the airwaves
Self-styled “Phsycho from Splott”
As TOGs rejoiced at newfound proof
That Lynn Bowles was just hotter than hot.

But the flame-haired traffic temptress
Lured them like a Siren’s medley
For her sizzle was merely the frying of gristle
On the bacon reserved for King Deadly.

Brucie’s BAFTA

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I must confess to feeling a little disappointed after watching Brucie pick up his BAFTA last night. Where were the customary catchphrases? There was a little slapstick, but not once was there a mention of “it’s nice to receive you, to receive you nice!” What are award ceremonies coming to these days?

How to Write in to Wogan

What does it take
For an email to make
It’s way past the red pen
Of Beryl-Anne?

Should I submit
More of the usual… rubbish
Or something more avant-garde?
I’m your man!

Should I take a leaf
From the book of Steve Wright
And ne’er speak below a dull roar
Oh, how will I get by
Barrowlands’ razor-sharp eye
Pray, tell me! I beg! I implore!

I could write to you every five minutes
And say that I “love the show”
And ask you to greet all my relatives
As they listen to their radio.

But what fun is that
When what must be sent in
Should be polished down to a fine art?
So now my chance has come
I can finally say:
You’re a pip-crashing, snorker-scoffing… veteran broadcaster!